Mission: Impossible
by cptevelyn
Summary: Gambit and Pete Wisdom are sent on an interesting mission by the X-Women. One shot.


My best friend and I wrote this one day. Just goes to show ya what boredom can do to the brain….   
  
Disclaimer: The X-Men aren't mine… Bows down to Marvel…  
  
Mission: Impossible  
  
Pete: I should have died when I had the bloody chance.  
  
Remy: Gambit know what y' sayin'.  
  
Pete: Why didn't we just tell 'im to sod off again?  
  
Remy: 'Cause dey mean femmes, mon ami. Rogue and Kitty are superior petites.  
  
Pete: An' they can kick our arses from 'ere to the moon.  
  
Remy: Dat too.  
  
Long silence.  
  
Pete: Where the bloody hell do they hide the…the…  
  
Remy: Fem'nine napkins, Pete? Remy t'ought since you is a spy in de intelligence business, you at least know what dey is called.  
  
Pete: Oh, sod off, ya wanker.  
  
Remy: Gambit tinks it would be de smart ting to do to ask une femme.  
  
Pete: You're kiddin', right?  
  
Remy: Y' got a better idea?  
  
Another long pause.  
  
Pete: 'ell, wot are you waiting for?  
  
Remy: Huh? Remy can't do dis, it be bad for his reputation.  
  
Pete: What's it with all you X-Men and your bleedin' crazy-double personalities?!  
  
Remy: Excuse moi?  
  
Pete: Can't you just pick one personality and throw the others off the moaning an' groanin' London Bridge?  
  
Short pause and a glare.  
  
Remy: Remy 'n' Gambit are offended, mon ami.  
  
Pete: Remy and Gambit!?!  
  
Remy: Oui, and leave it at dat, unless y' want to be startin' somethin'.  
  
Long, long pause.  
  
Pete: I'm still not askin'.  
  
Remy: ::sigh:: How y' survive livin' with all dose ladies, homme, and never have to do dis?"  
  
Pete: I make the Elf and Comrade Nutcase do it.  
  
Remy: Kurt gettin'….(chuckles)  
  
Pete: Don't bother with using it for sum bleedin' blackmail, cause I a'ready gots it taken care of.  
  
Remy: Maudit!  
  
Pete: Hey, there's a bag of bones, go ask her.  
  
Remy: What!?! Remy is not askin' a femme old enough to be his grand-grandmere about dis.  
  
Pete: Come on! Use that charm-thing on her. Women love that Creole-poofter stuff.  
  
Remy: Y' want Gambit to flirt with de look'like of Queen Elizabeth so we can get de girls' supplies?  
  
Pete: Uhh, yeah.  
  
Remy: Y' crazy, homme! Gambit has his morals to watch for.  
  
Pete: You'll prolly be the first one to talk to 'er like that in 20 years. Let the old hag die happy.  
  
Remy: Die!!! We find someone else to ask or Remy's outta here.   
  
Pete: I thought all X-men liked little old ladies and such.  
  
Remy: Non, mon ami. Dat's just Scott and, well, well, I was goin' say the Prof, but he more a younger-ladies man hisself.  
  
"Super Baldy!?! That dog!  
  
Remy: Remy taught 'im all de tricks.  
  
Pete: Now I know you're lyin'.   
  
Long pause.  
  
Pete: Hey, the old bag's getting away! Stop her before she reaches the door.  
  
Remy: Oh, non. Remy's cryin' on the inside, dat was his un vrai amour. Now 'e's all alone wit' no one to give 'im dat sweet-  
  
Pete: Shut your bleedin' trap, LeBeau!  
  
Remy: D'accord.  
  
Moment of silence.  
  
Remy: Now what we do?  
  
Pete: We keep searchin' down every one of these aisles until we find the…you know, … arg… THE BUGGERIN' SANITARY NAPKINS!!!!  
  
Chirp, chirp, chirp.  
  
Remy: Okay. Now dat ya got dat off of your chest, lets start at dat aisle.  
  
Pete: Why start in the middle?  
  
Remy: Gambit's intuition tells him.  
  
Pete: You in touch with your feminine side, or what?  
  
Remy: Fermé la bouche, Wisdom.  
  
Pete: Embarrassed are we?  
  
Glare.  
  
Pete: Lets just do the logical thing for once an' start in aisle one.  
  
Remy: All hail Pete "Wisdom".  
  
Pete: Piss off, Cajun. You're just jealous that my last name applies to me.  
  
Remy: Mais, my las' name does mean "the handsome". (smirks)  
  
Pete: My point exactly.  
  
Ten aisles later.  
  
Remy: Logic, huh?  
  
Pete: Logic can kiss my arse.  
  
Remy: Hey! 'ere dey are!  
  
Pete: Who the 'ell puts 'em next to cat food!?!  
  
Good Looking Blond employee who walks up to finally help: Can I help you, sir?  
  
Pete: (Stare)   
  
Remy: (Drool)  
  
Pete: Grr….uh, no!  
  
Remy: (smirk) Heeeeeey. (smirk) (writes down number and hands it to blond)  
  
Pete: (slugs Remy in arm) You have to 'scuse my little brother, he's still goin' through puberty. But he did just get over that awful bed-wetting problem! No more plastic sheets for our big boy!  
  
Good Looking Blond: Okaaay. Bye now! (turns quickly on heels and struts away)  
  
Remy: Call me!…..(thinking about Rogue answering the phone) GAH!!! NON, DON'T CALL ME!  
  
Pete: Smooth…..  
  
Remy: Bec mon chou.  
  
Pete: Ok, now let's get the pieces of shite and go.  
  
Remy: Uh, Pete? What kind should we get?  
  
Pete: ::blinks stupidly:: What do ya mean 'wha… whoa…(stares at towering shelf of feminine products) Just grab one of each type.  
  
Remy: D'accord. (starts stuffing packages in his trench coat)  
  
Pete: What the bloody 'ell are you doin' LeBeau?  
  
Remy: You 'onestly t'ink I'm takin' dese t'rough check-out? You be a Cooyon homme.  
  
Pete: Good point.   
  
Sounds of rustling fabric and small grunts. Long pause as they look themselves over.  
  
Remy: Gambit's all bumpy and fat. ::pout::   
  
Pete: Good look on ya, LeBeau. Lets get outta 'ere!  
  
Shuffling sound as they woddle out the door.  
  
BAM!!! Young girl collides with Maxi Capers with a shopping cart in parking lot.  
  
Young Girl: Oopsey. (runs off)  
  
Thump, clang, whoosh, flop, and other various sounds as packages fall out of coats and onto the pavement.  
  
Remy: (knocked on butt, eyes wide) Merde!  
  
Pete: (flopped on stomach, arse in air) Bloody 'ell!  
  
Little old lady walks by, picks up stray package, smacks Pete's arse, and gives Remy a wink and smirk.   
  
Remy: (shudders) eep…  
  
Pete: I feel violated. (hugs himself and starts rocking)  
  
Sound of screeching tires as car almost runs over Remy and Pete. Scott climbs out of car, runs in store, runs out seconds later with bag full of "Bitch-be-gone" pills, hops in car, peels away.  
  
Pete: Was that---  
  
Remy: Yup. Scott mus' be used ta dis.  
  
Pete: Hmph, whipped.  
  
Remy: Ain't dat da trut'. Come on padna, let's get dis crap in de car befo' de employees start flockin' out 'ere.  
  
Cell phone rings…  
  
Pete: 'ello?  
  
Bobby: (whispering) You guys gotta help me! Scott took off and the girls are goin' psycho!  
  
Random screaming female voices in background.   
  
CRASH!!!!!  
  
Bobby: OH MY GOD!!! I'M GOING TO DIE!   
  
THUD!!!!!   
  
(Click) (dial tone…)  
  
"beep…..beep….beep…beep..beep--beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep  
  
Remy: (gulps) Dey got Bobby!"  
  
Pete: Poor bloak. Didn't even see it comin'  
  
Remy: Yes he did.  
  
Pete: Shaddup and drive. (pauses, thinking) Scotts heading right for 'em…goin' bout 90 kmph.  
  
Remy: Now, he won't see it comin'.  
  
Hummer pulls next to the guys on the road, rap music blaring, honking horn. Little old arse-slapping-winking lady is in drivers seat with her posse of elderly home girls make obscene gestures at them, including flashing them and licking their lips.  
  
Pete: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH--  
  
Remy: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH--  
  
Pete: HHHHH!!!  
  
Remy: HHHHH--OUF!!!  
  
CRASH!!!!!  
  
Car runs off the road and into a ditch. Laughing floats from the Hummer as they pass.  
  
Pete: My eyes, my eyes!  
  
Remy: (labored breathing)….(whine)… (labored breathing)… (whine)  
  
Long period of time passes as Pete and Remy return to sanity.   
  
Pete picks up the cell phone and dials the mansion. Kitty answers.  
  
Kitty: WHADDAYA WANT!?!?  
  
Scott is serving Jean "Bitch-be-gone" pills in background.  
  
Scott: Here, Jeannie. Is there anything else I can get you? Do you want your pedicure now?   
  
Jean: No, that's fine, dear. I feel much, much better. (giggles)  
  
Pete: (cringes) Um, luv, Remy and I had a wee little accident with the car…  
  
Remy: De old ladies! It was de old ladies!  
  
Scott tries to give Rogue pills and she knocks him unconscious.  
  
Kitty: What do you want me to do about it?  
  
Pete: Could you come and get us?  
  
Rogue: HERE BOBBY, BOBBY! AH WON'T HURT YOU, AH SWEAR! Much…  
  
Remy: (gulp) tell Rogue Remy says he loves her.  
  
Pete: (Looks at Remy like he is crazy) Uh, Kitty, you still there?  
  
Kitty: Where would I be, hmmm? It's not like I can leave the house without a CERTAIN object I sent you for……3 HOURS AGO!!!  
  
Bobby: NOT THE FRYING PAN! NOOOOOOO!!  
  
THUD!!!!! PLOP!!!!!  
  
Rogue: DON'T PLAY LIKE THAT, SUGAH. AH KNOW YOU'RE STILL AWAKE!  
  
Remy: ………….merde…………  
  
Kitty: I'll be there in a minute. Come on, Rogue, lets go. ::hangs up::  
  
Pete: Well…they'll be here soon--  
  
Remy: (whine)  
  
Pete: At least we didn't die in the grocers.  
  
Remy: Dat's a good t'ing? Rogue's not comin', is she?  
  
Pause.  
  
Remy and Pete look at each other simultaneously and gulp.  
  
Pete: Maybe we should start runnin' now.  
  
Remy: Dat's the idea, homme.  
  
The guys get out the of destroyed car to stand in the center of the road.  
  
WHOOSH!!!  
  
The Blackbird nearly lands on top of them. From the cockpit Kitty and Rogue can see them haul arse towards the sunset…..  
  
Remy and Pete: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  
  
THE END  
  
Bobby: (from inside of closet, whispering) Hello? Is anyone there? Hello? Anyone? Please….Somebody help me…..  
  
Storm: BWAHAHAHAHA, I HAVE FOUND YOU, WORM. PREPARE TO FACE THE WRATH OF THE WIND GODDESS!!!  
  
Bobby: NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!  
  
Hank: (scratches at blue fur) Should we help him, Logan?  
  
Logan: Nah.  
  
Storm: Bobby, I'm just kidding…..Bobby. Bobby! (poke, poke) Oh Goddess….  
  
  
  
Translations:  
  
Maudit- damn  
  
Un vrai amour- one true love  
  
D'accord- okay  
  
Fermé la bouche- shut up  
  
Mais -well  
  
Bec mon chou- kiss my ass  
  
Cooyon- crazy person  
  
Merde- shit  
  
You like? Please let me know! 


End file.
